I wore a "skanky" dress

Have you ever gone through an intense learning period about yourself? I'm in the throes of one right now, and I hope I learn the lesson well, because it's been an excruciating experience.

This has been an intensely introspective opportunity, and my biggest fear is that I'm not getting it.

Let me start with a little story, but I'll spare you too many details: something happened here at my work recently where I made a co-worker angry. Very angry. It was unintentional on my part, but looking back I can see why they would be. They haven't spoken to me on any significant level since the incident, and I miss them. I miss their humor, their sparkle, and just general interaction with them. And since I could guess what's on all of your minds, yes, I did apologize. It didn't really matter though, even though they assured me that we were "good." The wound was apparently too deep.

So, that's introspective point number 1. As I reflected on how my actions had affected my friend, I realized that others have received similar treatment from me--they've apologized for actions that I perceived as too deeply wounding for me to get over, and I've given them the cold shoulder. For a long, long time.

Introspective point number 2 is a little trickier. Have you ever known that someone is doing something wrong, or treating others in a way that's inconsistent with your company culture, or blatantly abuses employees or the like, but can't get any solid proof of such a thing? Have you ever wanted to scream in frustration because you know such a thing is happening but you can't do anything about it? I have. And I've thrown that person under the proverbial bus... not once, but several times. And I feel dirty about it.

It makes me sad, first of all, that anyone would have such low self esteem that they would feel the need to belittle, berate, and badger anyone else to the point of abuse. I've lived through an abusive relationship and no one deserves that type of treatment. It makes me sad, secondly, that the person in question doesn't seem to want to change.

I realize this post is full of judgment, and that brings me to introspective point number 3: who am I to try to resolve other people's plights, especially by either giving them the cold shoulder or throwing them under the bus? Am I not doing the exact thing that I abhor?

I'll wrap up with one last thing. A friend approached me this morning to tell me she had the craziest dream about me last night. She heard I was going to host the Oscars, and she was really, really excited to watch the show so she could see me. But then, when I showed up, she was so disappointed because I was wearing a really skanky dress. Maybe this seems like a random way to end a post about self-introspection. But I think somebody is really trying to tell me something.